August 2, 2013

Deep Thoughts

Sometimes it's easy to be selfish. I don't even realize I'm doing it. 

Casey has been acting strange lately. He doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I offer to have friends over and get a head shake "no", I tell him his friend has invited him over and get a "no way." Today I sat here thinking "what is going on?!?" Could this have to do with diabetes? Is his asthma bothering him? Did travel baseball just wear him out?

I still don't know that answer but as I sat here thinking something dawned on me. I've been talking about going back to school with diabetes non stop all summer. I talk to my friends about it and my family about it and my nurse and doctor about it, but I haven't talked to CASEY about it.

Turns out he's feeling nervous. Sometimes it's so easy to think about my kids as MINE and to think about them going through trials and hardships as something that affects ME. Sure it makes me nervous to think about Casey being out of my care for 7 & 1/2 hours a day! But that's not what I should be thinking about. It's his life and his trial and this is happening to HIM. 

I'm definitely going to be thinking and praying about this differently from now on. 

In my defense I think thinking selfishly about your kids lives is something that comes naturally. Especially when they are young. When you are blessed with a tiny baby their little life is your life. They can't do a thing without you and when you are a stay at home mom you go years spending all day every day with them. Then little by little they become independent. Going to school, playdates and more without you and leading their own life. 

One day when my kids have grown up my husband and I hope that they will move. Move across the country or to another country or wherever God leads them. We've been told that we won't feel that way when the time comes but I hope that isn't true. I hope that we can be UNselfish enough to want them to go lead the life God has planned for them. They are not here to make us happy. To make us feel fulfilled. 

When I got married I had this idea of how I wanted to live right here where I grew up and have kids and live in a split level and send them to Timothy Christian where I went to school and just have the "perfect" little life. Well here I am, God has blessed me with exactly that. I am super grateful, but I understand now that there's more to life. Maybe this is where I should be and God is using me exactly as he wants. But maybe there could have been much more to my life if I had been willing to trust Him and do something a little different. 

So that's why I am going to stop thinking about my kids lives in a selfish way. It's their lives and I'm just here to guide them and teach them, but they need to live them.

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